Some may say being hopeless would be a bad place, but once your completely and totally hopeless and have lost everything till you had what you thought was nothing and then lost the nothingness you were still clenching too, you may be ready to start your journey of recovery.
I’ve seen my life flash before my eyes more than once. The last time, I did a shot of Heroin laced with fentanyl and hit the floor. My wife and my friend had to resuscitate me by putting a crack pipe in my mouth forcing me to smoke it to increase my heart rate.
But that’s not what my rock bottom looked like.
My rock bottom didn’t look like running a 125k welding company into the ground. It wasn’t watching my beautiful daughter be taken away by the MCFD. And it wasn’t when I was posting online ads for my wife to earn money through the sex trade.
It didn’t look like the time I overdosed on meth after being up for days screaming in agony while drifting in and out of consciousness due to a staph infection I left unchecked. It didn’t look like when I spent Christmas on Hasting’s St downtown slamming rigs into mine and my wife’s necks. My rock bottom didn’t look like any hellish scenario I had already worked my way into.
My rock bottom was more like a feeling; like the pain I held in my heart knowing that no matter what I did, how hard I struggled, or which direction I took to accomplish fighting my addiction on my own, I realized couldn’t do it. And what hurt the most was the realization that no matter how hard I tried, the odds of me ever having my baby girl back in my life for good was not weighted heavily in my favor.
You see, I had already tried. I had sobered up 6 times in the previous year and a half. I lasted 58 days on the longest attempt actually. But in all my attempts I kept starting and re-starting my visits with my girl over and over and over again. I was constantly re-developing the relationship with this innocent unconditionally loving human being I chose to bring into this world and it felt like I could not control the unimaginable hurt I was causing her. To me, if she was a metaphorical representation of my heart, I was soon to be metaphorically dead, because you can’t truly live without your heart.
I made the hardest decision I had ever had to make in my life: I admitted complete defeat over my addiction and made a call to the ministry to discuss the option of allowing a close family member to adopt my little girl. I was shot down. I then got the idea that sticking around Vancouver Island on the methadone program, working a shit job and visiting my daughter once a week (when I actually made it) was a feasible path to reuniting with my greatest blessing in this life for good. This was also shot down.
I was finally hopeless enough to move on. I couldn’t imagine living a life knowing I was so selfish, so useless, that I couldn’t even get my life together enough, couldn’t man-up to do what was needed to save my daughter from a life of foster care and adoption. If I didn’t hate myself before then, I sure as hell did at that moment.
I was living in a shelter in Campbell river after getting kicked out of multiple places I was crashing in, one being a fellow addict’s. I was removed from the methadone program for not following their rules and I was going through serious methadone withdrawal. I was too much of a coward to kill myself but strong enough to do enough drugs that should have finished me off. But an unexpected ending was close, one I could not have believed if god had told me himself…
Life after Death.
The best part about losing everything is you have nothing left to give up; it’s already gone. Revolution Recovery came to me when I had nothing left to lose. Revolution Recovery is a recovery society based out of Surrey, British Columbia and it is where I finally found the safety, love, understanding, compassion and people I needed to get a fair chance at life after addiction. Life after addiction does exist. It’s not some fantastical idea people who want you to believe there is hope tell you, when they really don’t feel there is, but string you along because they don’t have the strength to tell you the truth.
The bitter truth is better than the sweetest lie: My name is Jason Love I am a recovered Heroin addict. I detoxed off methadone and quit smoking at the same time. I am anti-depressant free, take zero pain or sleeping medications, and if you met me I guarantee you would walk away from our conversation with a smile. I strive to brighten anyone’s day, mood, or just provide a feeling you know is good but can’t quite put your finger on.
I have a pep in my step and a twinkle in my eye now. I am truly happy and I believe that my stay at Revolution gave me my life back. If I had to define Revolution Recovery in three words they would be love, respect, and loyalty because that is what I truly believe is at the heart of each and every man involved in this program. That’s what recovery really is: An opportunity; a gift for a new life.
Then and Now
When I came to treatment I was emotionally, mentally and physically void. I had no hope of ever being truly happy again. I had no hope of having my daughter back in my life and honestly I did not really think it was possible to live a life off methadone without having the thought of using coursing through my mind daily.
Now I am off methadone, I have visits with my daughter every couple weeks and am looking at having her returned fully to me within 6 months. I now feel an excitement for life I have not felt since the age of 13. I have regained my physical strength, gained the weight back I lost while using, but most importantly I have hope. I have hope that every day will be filled with the love, peace, and serenity I never thought was possible again. Now I have real hope that the sun will rise tomorrow and the belief that my days are now brighter after the storm.
Thank you to all the caring, loving, and tirelessly compassionate men at Revolutions Recovery who helped instill this new light in my life. Thank you and God Bless.